So where does one begin? my first time being bullied or the time it got so bad that I was cutting myself up at school in the middle of class? or maybe the time I drank a bunch of pills at 3am and had an exam at 8am hoping I would drop dead in the exam room. Or maybe it was the time that I once again took a bunch of pills and sent cryptic goodbye texts to everyone. Well obviously that didn’t work otherwise i wouldn’t be typing this right? right.
I had absent parents who were both focused on their careers therefore i spent more time around nannies than i did with them that led to me living in my head and i’m not complaining though. anyway point is being a shy kid who never had anything to say and focused on looking down when walking, made me an instant target. My first experience with bulling was when we were in third grade the popular girl with golden blond hair and baby blue eyes, while we were standing in line to get into the bus she opened my bag and looked inside then she took out my book (Yes i was already reading novels at such a young age, my mom had an entire bookshelf of novels and other literature. She didn’t even know i was reading her books but i had a lot of time to myself so i had to do something.) *i’m getting side tracked again* so she took my book out and examined it like a foreign object that it was and looked and kept repeating the title out loud making other kids turn and look at me i don’t thing i will ever forget her voice mocking me for 1. having a book in my bag 2. for reading it and 3. for bringing it to the school trip.
I felt so stupid and small (did i mention how short i was?) I couldn’t understand why she was laughing at me why making me feel inferior made her smile extra bright. And after that experience a chain reaction started my lack of response made it easy for people to say and do what they wanted to me. Not that i was brushing it off no i absorbed every little word every little punch scratch whisper and look. Because nothing in my mind said: say something, speak up, you are better than this, nothing absolutely nothing inside me said fight and that makes you wonder why? what is wrong with my mind? what is wrong with my fight or flight response? If bullies can be all tough why couldn’t I? Some questions just have no answers. or so i thought.